My Dear Old Companion

Journal Entry:

10.00 am My dear old cat  Spot. I had so hoped that she was on the mend after her long illness then suddenly her rally of the last few weeks - putting on weight, eating so heartily. But since Sunday, when I noticed how her breathing had changed, she has gone downhill. Ate her breakfast lying down this morning - ending up with gravy all over her face because she did not have the strength to stand up. I knew that things were drawing to a close.

The little thing is on the sofa in the conservatory now, flaked out. I
did give her a saucer of morsels, which she lapped at enthusiastically
for a minute or two, but even then, she is finding it almost too much to turn
her head.

11.00 am. I have spoken to the vet,  we had an agreement that I would get in touch when I thought it was time, and we have an appointment at 3.30 pm, if she does not fade away in between.

I have sat next to her this morning, whispering "please die,
please go, darling" to her, in the hope that she can be spared that last
journey. But is that for my own peace of mind, rather than hers? Is that it? This
struggle for life, and for passing that we have to stand by and watch -
is it really too much for US to bear, rather than solely the one
preparing to leave?
But isn't it also the chance for us to acknowledge imperfection and
fragility, and an opportunity to give love in the best ways that we can,
all through this precious time?

13.45 Oh, dear. The clock is ticking round. Round to the awful hour. I am
feeling the strength draining from my own body - or, rather, the
strength draining from my own will, to carry out that last, final awful
act of love.

16.30 Jess the vet was late back - stuck at a railway crossing. So I left Spot in the back of my car, wrapped in her
own warmed blanket, inside her usual carrier. All the way to the
surgery, a ten minute drive, she had made not a sound

Finally, the vet arrived back. I went out to the car and brought the
carrier in. When I opened the door - it was immediately obvious that my dear girl
would need no help - she had crossed over the Rainbow Bridge all by
herself. Jess was, I think, as touched as I was by the manner of her passing. We both agreed that both she, and we, had fought the good fight to the last.

I placed Spot gently back in her carrier, and brought her home to lie beneath the rose bush in the garden at Autumn Cottage.

Now my sweet companion of the last 16 years is at peace.

Comments

[Elaine]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[Debby T]

Oh, Roz I am so sorry. Condolences on the loss of a beloved animal companion.

[Fran]

Oh, Roz, I just read your entry. What an incredible tribute to your kitty--and photos right to the end. I'm so glad she slipped away on her own. I am weeping for her--and for you. All our pets are buried at home, too, so put a little flower there tomorrow from Aunty Fran.

[Loretta]

I'm wiping away the tears, Roz. What a beautiful kitty and a loving tribute from her earthly guardian. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Gina]

You've written beautifully about Spot. I know you're missing her.

[hannah]

Not a good week for cats. I got the earliest vet appointment I could on monday morning (11.40am), but when I got back from my 9.15 at the docs, Patrick had already died. It's terrible, isn't it: that space they used to fill. Every time I catch the his brother in the corner of my eye I think it's Pat.

[Beth]

Big hugs, Roz. I'm all teary now.

I sometimes look at our menagerie and wonder what on earth I'll do when they grow old and leave us. The history of my life is such that I've never been able to keep a pet long enough to find out how to deal with the demise of a long-loved one. THis brood will always be with us, until the end. I find the prospect very daunting, especially when I see Suzie, who I think of as just a pup, going grey around her muzzle.

I had a tale to tell on Woolgathering, about a rabbit (must get around to it). It's brought back the awful time when Denzel was ill. He was the first creature I ever had to make the decision to have put down, and it was the hardest thing I think I have ever done. I've been thinking about him for days and remembering how I couldn't stop crying when I saw how he suffered but couldn't stop crying once I took the decision to take him out of it either. The vet must have thought me nuts.

I never thought I'd get close to a rabbit. JUst imagine how I'll be when it's time for my precious Teddy or Treacle to go!

(Which is a long way around of saying "I think I know what you must be feeling and I'm thinking of you".)

[Lin]

I am so so sorry for your loss. How courageous and loving you were for your companion. Still, the loss is still a loss, and my heart goes out to you in the days ahead as you adjust and accept ...

[Corrina]

Roz,
I'm so sorry for the loss of your kitty. This entry is a sweet tribute to her final hours.

[Sonja]

I'm quite late in catching the news about your beloved, Spot...and am so sorry, Roz, that she is no longer with you for warmth and cheer. No doubt the spirit of such a well-loved companion is with you yet, however.

Thank you so much for sharing this poignant time...

~ Sonja